Tin Can Telephone (May 2007)

Listen and sing along!

1. Sad Victoria
2. Go Away
3. Makeshift Eyes
4. Letters from Sadie
5. Funeral Blues
6. Aquamarine
7. Old Buildings
8. The Ballad Of The Orphan Sock
9. Paper and String
10. I'm A Fish!
11. Friend
12. Underground
13. Tin Can Telephone
14. Funeral Blues (solo) FREE!

Lyrics

1. Sad Victoria (3:41)

Sad Victoria’s almost nine
She worries her dad, but she says that she’s fine
For she’s the happiest when she’s sad
She’s Sad Victoria

Sad Victoria’s right at home
When she pulls her hair with a fine-tooth comb
Not much matters without a care
For Sad Victoria
And the Moon howled in its grief
And every tree dropped every leaf
For Sad Victoria

For they loved her for the sad girl that she was
They loved her, crooked teeth and all, because
She’s Sad Victoria
Sad Victoria makes her bed
She makes a face, which she makes instead
Of making friends in a real place
Sad Victoria

Sad Victoria’s in her room
She looks outside at the flowers in bloom
And makes a note in her dreary brain:
She’ll have to arrange for a drizzling rain
Oh, Sad Victoria

And the Sun burned without relief
And every tree dropped every leaf
For Sad Victoria
For they loved her for the sad girl that she was
They loved her, crooked teeth and all, because
She’s Sad Victoria

Sad Victoria takes a walk
She stops a while at the tower clock
And gazes up at its dingy dial
Sad Victoria

Sad Victoria is that clock
At the top a face, at the bottom a lock
All the ticks without the talk
Sad Victoria

And the stars shone in disbelief
And every tree dropped every leaf
For Sad Victoria
For they loved her for the sad girl that she was
They loved her, crooked teeth and all, because
She’s Sad Victoria

She’s Sad Victoria

2. Go Away (2:37)

There’s a time and a place and a will and a way
Through the muck and the mess till you find yourself alone
In your room with a candle, a rotting bouquet
And the radio spouting a lot of baloney

What a fight! What a brawl!
How does one ever find the wherewithal?
To say No, take a hike
Quit your lollygagging, go away

You can hop on a bike or a hot-air balloon
You could slap on a mask like a skulky raccoon
I don’t have all the answers but one thing I know
You’re unlikely to make it September to June without

Making nice; making sure
No one’s following your charming allure
Watch your back; pardonnez
Quit procrastinating; go away

But at the rate we multiply
And as the years go whizzing by
Soon there will be no room for you or I
Not even if they build skyscrapers ten miles high
Not at the rate we multiply

So won’t you tell all your daughters and tell all your sons
Please cease and desist making more little ones
The Pied Piper of Hamlin could not undertake
Taking all of the ones you call Our Little Mistake!

What a mess! I’m appalled!
Oh, and by the way, your mother just called
I told her you’re on holiday
So bugger off and go away

3. Makeshift Eyes (2:56)

I think you only have makeshift eyes
Shifting and acting as a disguise
Hiding what I even realize
Is behind them

I think you only have makeshift hair Shifting and dangling in empty air Lovely but none of us even dare To remind you

Of the time you made curry and burnt the rice
How you wouldn’t take any of our advice
And how all of us thought: Wouldn’t it be nice
To have dinner tonight?

I think you’ve only a makeshift mind
Shifting and stalling and poorly designed
Shrivelled and empty and not silver-lined
Like a rain cloud

Don’t remind me of the time
I felt something stick in my back
I turned round and found that I was under attack
From a shifty-eyed girl with a purple knapsack
That stuck out in the crowd

I think I only have makeshift friends
Shifting and flailing like so many loose ends
Whipping each other until it sends me
Around the bend

Don’t get me wrong,
No I wouldn’t be telling you any of that
But on Saturday I and my grandmother sat
In her luxury, hardwood, two-bedroom flat
And she said, friend:

Don’t trust the girl with the makeshift eyes
Shifting and acting as a disguise
Hiding what I even realize
Is behind them

4. Letters from Sadie (4:35)

Claydon doesn’t know what he’s talkin’ about
But he comes home early just to rant and shout at me
It’s true he loves me and protects me, still
I think there’s something more to life than this
There must be something more to life than this

And my daughters all are moving out with new boyfriends
Doreen and Mark, without a job
How will he support her when…
And Trish and Tommy, still so young
I’ve told her that she deserves
A better chance at life than this
There must be something more to life than this

And it’s just like my mother said it would be
Twenty years later now and look what it’s done to me

We have never been rich, but we can afford
To pay the bills and pay the rent
To keep away the landlord
I don’t have change for the laundry machine
But I think there’s so much more to life than that
There must be something more to life than that

I haven’t been as kind to him as maybe I should be
But it’s Claydon who is always saying:
“Sadie, you’re good to me”
It’s true I love him so I stick around
But sometimes I wonder if there’s more than this
There must be something more to love than this

And it’s just like my mother said it would be
Seven years later now and look what it’s left of me

Now Claydon’s moving out with his new boyfriend
Surprising but I guess it’s better for us both in the end
And now I know he knew what he was talking about
When he was saying there was more than this
He really meant that there was more than this

And now my girlfriend is moving in
She’s beautiful and dressed in black and plays the violin…

Not at all what my mother said it would be
All these years later now and finally I’m happy
Sadie

5. Funeral Blues (2:36)

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
— W.H. Auden
Used by permission of Curtis Brown Ltd. Copyright © 1940 by W.H. Auden; all rights reserved.

6. Aquamarine (3:53)

I knew of a man named Mr. Maligne
Who hated most shades of blue and of green
Was not fond of red, yellow, purple, or orange
His favorite colour was Aquamarine!

The drapes and the sofa, the table and chair
His cane and his hat, and his long underwear
The whole of his house, as far as could be seen
Was painted a vibrating Aquamarine!

Mr. Maligne, Mr. Maligne!
What was his obsession with Aquamarine?
A rainbow of colour on constant parade
But he chose the one over each other shade
No plum, and no peach, and no bland tangerine
Everything had to be Aquamarine!

His friends knew his wardrobe was more than a mess
They even tried helping him dress and undress
They bought him a vest in a brown velveteen
He exchanged it for one that was Aquamarine!

Mr. Maligne was incredibly skinny
Every last inch of his person was thin
He was bound to remain so lanky and lean
For he only ate food that was Aquamarine!

Mr. Maligne, Mr. Maligne
Could not kick his habit of Aquamarine
In fact, he was happy the way that he was
The happiest ever, and that was because
He had no attachment to drab aubergine
He said: “Hang all the colours but Aquamarine!”

Maligne was dressing in his chamber at a quarter after one
(He was dressing for a party; he was dressing up for fun)
He had donned his jacket, vest, and pants, and now was nearly done
When he noticed that his hat had been left sitting in the sun…

O the horror! O the moaning! O the tragedy, the scene!
When that poor man found his favorite hat
Was no longer Aquamarine!

A bluish-green tear made its way down his cheek
He turned to the glass and took one squeamish peek…

And the grimace his face had contained was dissolved
Maligne found his problem was perfectly solved
After all of his previous fussing and noise
He discovered his new favorite colour was Turquoise

Mr. Maligne, Mr. Maligne!
How ever could he have liked Aquamarine?
That colour was nasty, a garish blue-green
While Turquoise was truly a soft greenish-blue
A flattering colour, exciting and new
This was the colour for Mr. Maligne!

7. Old Buildings (3:36)

When they tear old buildings down
It’s funny, ‘cause you know they’re sold and going
But then they seem to stick around
And you wonder if they’ll ever really do it

Condo units up for sale
Fences up around the lot and building
Everyone has long moved out
And now the building’s simply waiting for it

Maybe months go by
And maybe some minor excavation
But still the building’s there
Waiting for new tenants

You still hope they’ve changed their minds
Maybe the old building’s really staying
Maybe they won’t kill the vines
Growing up its sides, but signs are saying:

Condo units up for sale
Better views and better light and heating
Stucco will be pink and pale
Parking will be underground, but not free

Maybe months go by
When you neglect to ride your bike up that street
Hoping it’s still there
Hoping for new tenants

Then one day the building’s gone
You had meant to take a lot of pictures
Of its yellow doors and vines
Climbing up the bricks and round the windows

Condo units up for sale
Only for professionals over thirty
Making eighty grand a year
Occupation’s set for this September
Maybe as you think

And watch the bulldozers clear the rubble
You manage to sneak a brick
And wonder about these future tenants
While cradling the old building’s remnants

8. The Ballad Of The Orphan Sock (2:06)

The ballad of the orphan sock
Is a very lonely tale
The one is left behind
The other doesn’t leave a trail

One shaped to left, one shaped to right
They make a perfect pair
To hold each other in the night
Is their one and only care

One falls behind the dryer
And the pair is torn apart
The orphan sock will search in vain
It almost breaks my heart

Hear it calling up and down the line
To regain its perfect mate
Then put to sleep in a darkened box
Is the orphan sock’s sad fate

But hold your hope
For there is still a chance
The orphan socks will find each other once again
And on someone’s feet will dance

9. Paper and String (4:30)

Someday, early in the morning
He’ll bring me a loaf of bread
Something in his eye will tell me
I just ought to stay in bed

I ought to stay in bed
He’ll bring coffees in a paper tray
From Isobel’s Café
Making breakfast in my kitchen
We will start the perfect day
The almost perfect day

I have nothing to say
On this perfect day
This almost perfect day

I will read him all my secrets
In a voice too low to hear
All the things I feel are perfect
All the things I hold most dear
The things I hold most dear

He will read me Kenneth Grahame
He will read like no one can
Then we’ll plan the day together
It will be the perfect plan
The almost perfect plan

I will revel in this
Almost perfect bliss
This almost perfect bliss

We will make the perfect picnic
We will eat it on the grass
He won’t pray before our meal
I will pray that this will last
I pray that this will last

Chances are he’ll bring a bottle
Of the sweetest, cheapest wine
We will drink it all for breakfast
Chances are I’ll feel just fine
We’ll both be feeling fine

I have nothing to bring
But my paper and string
My paper and my string

He will ask the perfect questions
Perfect thoughts are in his mind
He will be as close to perfect
That I’ll ever hope to find
That I will ever find

I will wrap him up in paper
Tie him up with bits of string
Put him in a box forever
He will be my perfect thing
My almost perfect thing
My almost perfect thing

10. I'm A Fish! (3:08)

Fish aren’t known for being helpful
If you need help, they won’t even give a shell-full
It’s just that they have so much else to do
Like swimming free and eating other fish like me and you
And I’m proud to say:

I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish!
I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish!

When I’m swimming in the ocean
Other fish, and sometimes a friendly dolphin
Will stop and bubble me a bright “Hello!”
But I just swim right by them, for I’ve someplace else to go
And that’s because of this:

I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish!
I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish!
But if I’m ever eaten by a pelican or a heron

I am a member of the Ocean’s organ donation program
And I would give up heart and gills and tail and my dorsal fin
So long as the recipient’s in my family, or an orphan
And that’s because of this:

I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish!
I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish!

I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish!
I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a fish, I’m a…

Don’t remind me, ‘cause I know it
And I’m awfully proud to show it:
I’m a fish!

11. Friend (1:52)

The thing about you is when you combine
Your sickening charm with mock refinement
People see you in a different light
They don’t see that you’re a tight-assed
Lying bastard, dirty scumbag
Don’t you even ask to come back
Friends like you will never do
Pack your baggage and we’re through

Don’t tell me that friendship is forever
I know that you’re just being clever
Guilt won’t get me anymore
Let me show you: there’s the door
I’m tired of playing your little game
So please go back from whence you came
I can’t believe I fell for this
Friends are always hit and miss

I like to share and you like to borrow
Why do you always bring back sorrow?
I don’t need this kind of pain
My conclusion’s you’re insane
The things you do and the things you say
You’ve proven it to me this way
So please don’t write and please don’t call
This was not a friendship at all

The thing about you I recently noticed
Happens to be one of the grossest
When we used to sit and talk
You’d be glancing at my clock
You ate me up like a greedy child
Sweet Jehovah, I’m defiled!
A parasite is not a friend
Last bite baby, this is the end

12. Underground (2:53)

It disturbs me, deeply
To see the shit they’re pulling every day
Dark is breaking, taking
With it all the lightness in its way
And there’s no change here
Strange mirrors through the smoke
With your token pay for the
Shit that they’re pulling every day

You can fake it, bake it
Flake it off and take it back for more
While the real deal
Shrivels up and shivers at the core
And I’ve a feeling stealing all the
Riches in the world would never pay for the
Shit that they’re dealing every day

So let’s go underground
Mine for more than what we’ve got
‘Cause what we’ve got is impossible
I will go underground
Mine for more than what I’ve got
‘Cause what I’ve got is impossible

Feed me poison, boys in
Underwear and girls in lingerie
Make it flirty, dirty
Everything has got to be risqué
Or it’s no fun to run completely
Out of breath (a little death)
The riddle is passé and it’s
Shit what we settle for today

You can spend it, lend it
Fend them off when they come back for more
But they need it, feed it
To them until finally you’re
Poorest of the spirit
Hear it echo in the space and not a trace
Of what has gone away
Or the shit that is leading it astray

So let’s go underground
Mine for more than what we’ve got
‘Cause what we’ve got is impossible
I will go underground
Mine for more than what I’ve got
‘Cause what I’ve got is impossible

Pass the scalpel; I’ll pull
Strings to feel accepted in this place
Making drastic, spastic
Plastic alterations to my face so when I smile
Bile rises in your gut (I’m such a slut)
There’s nothing but to take the cut
Fall on your knees and pray that the
Shit isn’t dealt to you today

Instead of that, let’s go underground
Mine for more than what we’ve got
‘Cause what we’ve got is impossible
I will go underground
Mine for more than what I’ve got
‘Cause what I’ve got is impossible

13. Tin Can Telephone (5:01)

Between the realm of sleeping and awake
Remember all the dreams we used to make
But now you’re far away in other slumbers
And I will think of you, for memory’s sake

You once did put a can up to my ear
And urged me to see what I could hear
To my amazement, I could hear your mumbles
This is a memory that I now hold dear

So if I need you, I can call you
On my tin can telephone
I don’t need a reason just to talk
I’ll never be alone
And the string will stretch a million miles
To wherever you may be
And I’ll hear you loud and clear,
And you will sweetly say to me:

Hello, my darling, how was your day?
Did your troubles linger, or did they stay away?
Are you happy? Are you lonely?
Do you like your life so far?
Well, whatever may have happened
I love you, just the way you are
Just the way you are

I wonder if you ever think of me
I know you never in reality
But often you recall those other summers
When you and I in soft repose would be

And though the choice of memory is blind
I know that thoughts of me are in your mind
The remnants like a never-dying ember
Of something you gave up and left behind

But if you need me, you can call me
On your tin can telephone
You don’t need a reason just to talk
You’ll never be alone
And the string will stretch a million miles
Over land and water too
And you’ll hear me loud and clear
And I will sweetly say to you:

14. Funeral Blues (solo) (2:36)

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.